Entirely Unlike Tea – Hormones: The Completely Abridged Column

Hormones. They do a lot of stuff. Lucky for you, we’re not going to talk about most of it.

As your responsible and dearly loved communis– err sorry, columnists, we see it as our duty to inform you about all the most interesting aspects of everything you never wanted to know about. Don’t ask us why. In fact, maybe we’ll ask you why. (Right after we break for lunch, that is). Put a pin in that.

Anyway, hormones. Let’s list a few basics, just to get started:

  1. They drive us to complete Insanity
  2. Rub our minds in gravel (metaphorically)
  3. They make delicious pancake batter (do not ingest)
  4. Marvin makes delicious pancake batter
  5. Eddie’s face makes even better waffles
  6. Well, Marvin’s face makes really awful waffles
  7. Well, Eddie. Your mom’s face makes the baffles of waffles look like medically medieval castle raffles. Wait- GIRLS.
  8. Document sharing is a pain in the Adenohypophysis.
  9. A moose bit my sister. (How old is she?)
  11. Estrogen
  12. ^^Hormones^^
  13. Milk before cereals, toothpaste before water, shoes before socks, bros before young women of considerable beauty, etc. Basically, just one thing before the other.

And now, a word from our sponsor, Adolescence.


“Girls.” Because where would we be without them?

[insert religious differences here]

The above has been a demonstration of the way hormones control us, and that we have very little control over them. To a point, of course. Now over to you, Marvin.

Thanks. Now down to the point: Hormones are horrible. But necessary. Life without hormones would pretty much suck. That fact aside though, another fact becomes obvious. Life with hormones is somewhat complicated. We sing, we dance, we steal things. To give them to girls. Naturally. In general, we are controlled by tiny little blood-borne molecules that influence our cells to do things their mothers would have hoped their good little cells would not do.

When you really think about it, very little in our human society is not influenced at its most basic level by hormones. Wars have been fought, reality shows created, young adult vampire romance novels read, and countless hours in front of a mirror have been spent trying to figure out if we’re beginning to like this new body life has dealt us.


For the most part, we figure you just have to go along for the ride. Sure, lessons must be learned, but to anyone out there on the same roller coaster, we say lighten up. (Just stay in your own car.) One day we’ll all be old and boring, and we’ll have nothing to do except laugh at the adventures of our early days, so we might as well do ourselves a favor and make life in the nursing home interesting. We’ll see you there.

The Element: For entertainment tomorrow, take stupidity for a test drive today. Why not?

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